"After further review..."

The wide receiver hauls in the pass in the corner of the endzone and struggles to tack in that second foot in bounds. "No catch, out of bounds" the referee announces. "And, uh, looks like he'll throw the red flag, that's gonna be uhh uhh, thats a, uhh, thats gonna be a challenge", utters John Madden....................

....and they play is reversed.

3, 2, 1....and Chauncy heaves up a prayer from half court......ITS GOOD, HE FILLS IT UP!.....But wait, the referees will look at the replay to see if he got it off in time. "(sigh) Darn, as you can see, the red light flickers on just before the ball leaves his hand....no basket", reports George Blaha.

"He shoots, and OH, there's some commotion in front of the net, and SCORES!, the red light goes off and the wings strike first," Mickey Redmond enthusiastically proclaims. The reefrees then go to the scorer's booth to check the goal. Moments later...."yes, you can see on the instant replay, the puck just slightly crosses the goal line."

"Magglio hits one deep to left, back, back and gone, the ball clears the yellow line of the wall......but no, the umpire calls it in play, and he'll end up with a double", Mario Impemba broadcasts. "Too bad baseball doesn't have instant replay, you can tell here that the ball clearly hits above the yellow line, and should have been ruled a home run."

Which one of the 4 stands out? If you said the last example, you are correct!! You win a complementary "off-the-highglass" pat on the back!!!

Can someone give me a logical reason as to why baseball doesn't have instant replay? I certainly cant think of one, so if you do, I would GREATLY appreciate a comment, or a letter to Bud Selig. Basketball has instant repla in case there are questionable buzzer-beaters. Football has the red flag, allowing coaches to challenge a play that they believe was mistakingly called. Hockey has instant replay, ensuring things like whether the puck crossed the net and if it beat the buzzer. Baseball on the other hand.....nothing. Zero. Based solely on the umpire's opinion. Baseball certainly has the most split-second, questionable, and controversial calls of any of the four major sports. With "yellow-line" home runs, plays at the plate, calling a ball fair or foul, trapping the catch, and constant throws to first, it is preposterous that there is no means of confirmation a call's validity in this game. Just one butchered call could cause a World Series title. If a fair ball is called foul, you are taking a hit away from the batter, and thus removing the game's integrity. If a Home Run is mistakingly called a base hit off the wall, doesn't that make the game untruthful, flawed, distorted? Why would they even take a chance of pissing off a manager, a team, a stadium full of fans, and more significantly, ruin the game?

Some say that instant replay would ruin the way the game was meant to be played. Hmm, well wasn't the game meant to played correctly? Isn't a foul ball supposed to be foul? A home run a home run? An out an out? Games have rules. All games. From Monopoly and bingo to baseball and basketball. And every single game ever created in the world, televised or not, professional or not, is to be played by its own rules. If this were not the case, a B3, free spece, N 29, and G 40 could be considered a BINGO!, you'd be able to take boardwalk for free rather than pay $500 of multi-colored monopoly money, and you'd be able to call a man out when he is safe. So I say "bull shit" to the illogical man who says, "instant replay would ruin the game yada yada yada." Make the calls right, confirm them when needed, and play the game truthfully.

I cant wait for John Madden to apply for the Sunday early-afternoon baseball broadcasting job so I can hear him say, "and on the screen, err uh, you can see me draw the circle here, where the football, i mean baseball, makes a BOOM! against the wall, above the yellow line.... and thats gonna be, thats gonna be, errrr, uh, thats gonna be ruled a home run." I'm already putting in my order for 'Madden MLB 2009 for Play Station'.

Brett's Lambeau Leap of Faith

Brett Favre needs to handle himself this offseason like Brett Favre handles himself on the football field.

Make up your mind, bite your lip, go out and make your statement with fury and passion, and accept the results of your decision.

Favre was the John Wayne of the NFL- the reckless cowboy who would take to the field guns'a'blazin and always seemed to make the impossible possible. Give or take a few unforced interceptions and a sack here and there. And yet, now two months into retirement, Favre has morphed into a whole new character- a shy, unsure, and indecisive media mess.

ESPN reported on Friday that while The Green Bay Packers and Brett Favre were publicly remaining quiet on reports that the quarterback is reconsidering his decision to retire, there is much work being done behind the scenes. A WTMJ-TV news report from Milwaulke broke the story that Favre sent a text message to Packers GM Ted Thompson and that the two men are to sit down and have a discussion at a later date. Sports Illustrated reported on its website that Favre had also discussed the potential desire to return with coach Mike McCarthy, but talks had not advanced to a substantive stage, according to a Packers source.

I see two problems.

What Farve is doing to the Packers organization is very unfair. In 2007, Green Bay went 13-3 and won the NFC North. They were one interception away from capturing the NFC Championship and going on to challenge New England in the Superbowl. As much as Favre meant to that organization, he needs to understand that they can and will be successful without him. Aaron Rodgers was drafted in 2005 and all he's gotten since joining an organization with the most deeply rooted traditions in all of sports is about eight pounds of dust collected on his jersey and helmet and chinstrap from a lack of use. This on-again off-again waiting game that Favre has been playing with the Packers for the last three years needs to stop. Favre's problem is that he wants to quit before his heart does. He's torn. He has retired, un retired, and retired again all in the past few off-seasons. I would argue that the biggest trouble with having NOTHING to do is . . . not being able to tell when you're done. Favre meant too much to the game of football to put himself into the category of "didn't know when to stop" athletes. He should leave the game with his pride and dignity and not push fate. Too many have tried and failed at this; Jerry Rice's short stint with the Broncos as a 3rd string wideout and his weakened attempt to join Seattle before being cut is a perfect example. Take some time off. Go fishing. Do some Levi's Jeans ads. Maybe join the Monday Night Football crew and let Madden bust his nut all over the broadcast booth.

Green Bay shouldn't allow this to happen, either. The only thing they are accomplishing by being quiet is adding to the growing media speculation that Favre will return. Come out and make a statement! Here, I'll even write it for you. "The Green Bay Packers and Brett Favre have been a longstanding and successful team in the NFL for the past sixteen seasons. We are saddened by his decision to retire but understand all the factors that go into making such an important choice in Brett's life. We fully support him and invite him to take a position in our front office in the near future. The Packers organization is committed to improving our team with our current roster as well as via the draft and free agency, and we look forward to the future play of our young talent." There. That wasn't hard.

Please Brett, listen when I say that the gradually declining years are among the sweetest in a man's life. You have nothing left to prove. And trust me, while the money's no better in retirement, the hours sure are. Just think about how many more nights you will sleep easy not having to worry about Dwight Freeney flattening you into the 50 yard line logo.

After all, that's Aaron's problem now.

The Cocky Boys Need a Change

For the past 6 years, the Detroit Pistons have been the “darlings” of a J.V. conference that is the Eastern Conference. They have recorded at least 50 wins for seven straight seasons, gone to the Eastern Conference Finals for the past six seasons, gone to the finals twice, one time coming out with the Larry O’Brien trophy, and many All-Star appearances from Rip Hamilton, Chauncey Billups, Rasheed Wallace, and Ben Wallace. But, with winning comes expectations, and the expectations of the Detroit Pistons is simple; to win championships. Nothing else really matter here. We may be spoiled, but so be it. We hired a coach who was known to fizzle out in the playoffs in Flip Saunders as he was booted out of the first round with the Timberwolves for seven straight years. That was already a foreshadowing of the things to come.

Lazy players, cocky attitudes, big-heads, hot-heads, turning it on in the 4th quarter, failure to listen to their coach, and always being second in a mediocre conference are all things the pistons have had and have become in the past few years. As Joe Dumars said in a recent interview with Stoney and Wojo when discussing the Pistons series loss to the Boston Celtics,

“We come back 1-1, and we put on that display in game 3? That’s sickening, that’s sickening to me. And then we get closed out at home, we have a ten point lead with ten minutes left in the game and we completely shut it down and get closed out? That’s sickening and disgusting to me.”

Since winning a title by crushing the Lakers in 2004, they think they are invincible and can play whenever they want. I do not know another team in the league who thinks like this. How can you play like shit for three quarters, be trailing by 15 points, and then assume you can turn it on in the fourth and pull out a victory? It is ignorant and absurd to assume this outcome will occur every time.

You have a point guard who doesn’t listen to his coach and I believe the worst thing that ever happened to him was getting the nickname “Mr. Big Shot”. When was the last time he made a game winning shot? All I ever see him do is pump fake and try to draw a foul when he could just take a damn shot and probably make it. You have a small forward in Tayshaun Prince who is one of the best defensive players and is a strong threat when he wants to be, which is only 20% of the time, but for that other 80% of the time I have never seen anyone be more hesitant than this man. Holding the ball at the three-point line with a blank look on his face like he has never touched a basketball in his life. And then the one advantage he has, his wingspan, he does not even use most of the time. It is almost as if Tayshaun is afraid to get hit at the basket. You are making ten plus million dollars per year, grow a pair and play hard all the time. Be aggressive, if not then get out. A weak and scared player is no good to have on a championship caliber squad.

Now I started a new paragraph for this man because I could write a whole page on this man. “Time to MEEETTTT MR. RASSSHEEEEED WWWWWAAAALLLLACE!,” is heard during every home game all throughout the palace as announced by the Pistons John Mason. But after meeting Rasheed Wallace, he usually just decides to get two quick fouls within the first five minutes, bitch about every call against him or any one else on the team, shoot three’s against inferior opponents, and not put in the effort. Does anyone else think he does not care? I have been saying this for the past three years and no one believed me until the 2008 playoffs when his true-self finally came out. I honestly would not be surprised if he was high for half the games this season. Sure he is fun, sure he is enjoyable and a jokester, and yes he is a freakish athlete with an insane set of basketball skills, but he does not use them to his full ability.

What makes a professional athlete think that he or she does not need to come to work everyday? You are getting paid millions per year and you don’t perform on a daily basis? If the person working at McDonalds who makes $7.00 an hour did not put any effort into their job, their ass would be fired in one second, but a man who claims he is motivated every year after a devastating loss cannot put in the effort after being paid millions? Rasheed is out of his damn mind. You are 6’11, no one can block your shot, GO DOWN TO THE BLOCK, PUT YOUR ASS INTO SOMEONE, AND TURNS TOWARDS THE HOOP WHILE YOU SHOOT!!! Is anyone else sick of his three pointers? I know I am. Is anyone else sick of the lack of effort and enthusiasm he seems to have for the game? I know I am. Is anyone else who used to be a Rasheed Wallace fan disgusted by his antics and want him out of this organization? I know I do.

2005, the Pistons lose the finals in seven games, but basically because a knuckleheaded play by Rasheed Wallace as he double-teamed Ginoboli in the corner to leave “Bigshot Bob” wide open to drill a game winning three, which would then lead to a Spurs championship. 2006, Pistons lose to the Heat. What? I never got this one. The Heat were not a good team, and the Mavericks were phony as the Heat exposed them by winning four straight to take the series. The Pistons could have easily beaten them, so there is two straight championships blown by them. 2007, I do not even want to discuss how much LeBron James owns the Pistons. It made me sick. Where was Tayshaun’s great defense that series? Finally, 2008, as Joe said you are tied 1-1 after two games, you steal one in Boston, and you cannot finish at home? Sounds like a solid team to me.

Honestly, I do not know what the Pistons should do. I would say keep Chauncey because as much as everyone is in love with Rodney Stuckey, he is not a point guard. If you say him play in the playoffs he did very well, but he is not a good ball handler, he is a scorer. Rip is the best player on the team and I have no complains about him. Keep up the good work. Tayshaun and Sheed are the two I believe need to go. I would say try to package them for a PF like Carlos Boozer who plays with their back to the basket, is aggressive, and is hungry. A lineup of Billups, Stuckey, Hamilton, Maxiell, and Boozer sounds pretty damn good to me. But I have a hunch that nothing will happen this offseason and yet again, the Pistons will win just enough to give you hope and then rip out the hearts of Detroit sports fans around the world.

Congratulations Pistons, you have become the Buffalo Bills of the NBA.

Listen to the entire Joe Dumars Interview
from Sports Radio 1130, WDFN the Fan

Gator Bait

I must get more Gatorade. It's not enough that Gatorade cups litter the benches of every professional MLB, NBA, and NFL team. It's not enough that Kevin Garnett sweats neon orange electrolytes in high definition during every sporting broadcast on ESPN or ABC. It's not enough that Gatorade even has their own elite group- The League of Champions- where such athletes at Garnett, Kevin Durant, Derek Jeter, and Payton Manning adorn the orange lightning symbol of hope proudly as if to say "Look a little out of breath there, tiger." More more more. I need more Gatorade.

I want the eye black under baseball and football players' eyes to take the form of the Gatorade lightning bolt. I want to have season tickets to watch my team play at Gatorade Field in Gatorade, NY. I want Gatorade to be a guest on the Ellen Degenerous show. I want to go to the diner and have the 2.99 breakfast special be eggs over easy, toast, and Gatorade. I want Sidney Crosby to score a goal while drinking a cup of Gatorade. I want J.K. Rowling's next book to tell the real truth about Harry Potter's lightning bolt scar. Magic, she says? Pshh...two words- Product placement. I want Gatorade to put out a press release refuting the age old saying "Lightning never strikes the same place twice."

I want the Gatorade shower every time someone answers a question right on Jeopardy. For the daily double, Trebek gets soaked. I want the State of the Union address to come to an abrupt halt when the President gets winded and a secret service member has to rush him a full cup of Gatorade Rain. Instead of Trident and Orbit, I want people to chew GatorGum. I want Lil Wayne's next single to be called "Gators Everywhere."

Do not fight it. Trust in the Gatorade. Use it like you would Robitussin or Tylenol or Aleeve. Headache? Gatorade. Upset stomach? Gatorade. Chest pain? Gatorade. Gatorade may very well take over the free world. It'll be integrated into our religions and help solve age old questions of faith and existence.

Except with a few modifications, of course.

Minister, does that holy water look a little different than usual?

White Power!- The NBA's Miracle Whip All-Stars

A while ago I was reading an article from the four-letter network on an All-Hispanic Baseball team which included such players as Alex Rodriguez, Albert Pujols, and Miguel Cabrera. This got me thinking about the one team all my friends had thought of compiling but no one had actually done before; The All-White NBA team. Going back to the old days when baseball was America’s past time, gas cost nineteen cents, and frankfurts only cost a nickel.

And I wonder how they would fair against today’s competition. Would they even stand a chance? Maybe so. Would they make the playoffs? Absolutely not! If there really was an All-White team assembled, I would assume a 12-70 record would be a fair assumption. They would have an average margin of loss of 19 points and would be last in every offensive category, but near the top in defense because who plays better sound defense basketball then white people?

Who would be on the team? Current players? Old players? Can foreign-born players play on an All-White team? What about light-skinned players that are debatable such as J-Kidd and Mike Bibby? There are many questions to sort out and I will answer them all right now.

The guidelines for the team are simple: The player must currently be on an NBA team’s roster, must be Caucasian, and must be born and raised in the United States. It was hard to just pick 12 people, because there were so many worthy advocates of the honor of being on the first ever All-White Squad, but without further ado, I give you the Miracle Whip All-Stars.

Hometown: Argyle, Iowa. What better place to support a team then a random small town in Iowa (one of the whitest states) where they probably have not seen an African American since 1924.

Stadium: Barry Manilow Arena. Simply put, white people love Barry Manilow and no one else, period. The main sponsor would be NASCAR.

Coach: Gregg Popovich. Lets face it, this team only consists of white people, they will need the best coaching possible, and no one is better than Pop.

Starting Lineup:
PG – Kirk Hinrich – he is clearly the best point guard, puts up solid numbers and attending Kansas put him way above Jason Williams in the Whiteness category
SG – Mike Dunleavy – He has finally come into his own after being traded to the Indiana Pacers, 19 ppg, 5 rpg and 4 apg will certain put him on the squad.
SF – Mike Miller – I almost didn’t put him on the team because an inside source (my cousin Shaun who went to UF at the same time) told me that he was one of the dumbest men alive and he left school early because they caught him with pot and he would have been suspended. White people are not dumb, but he can shoot, so I gave him a break.
PF – David Lee. Tough, physical player who gives it his all and never takes nights off (Rasheed please take note)
C – Chris Kaman. Almost did not make the team as well because he looks like a creature from another planet, but he is a great player who is ghostly white.

Reserves:
6. Scott Pollard – C: He sucks, I know, but look at his track record. He is always on winning teams for some odd reason.
7. Brian Scalabrine – PF: He single handedly beat the Pistons in Game 5 of the 2004 Eastern Conference Semi-Finals, which gives him the right to ride the pine on the All-White team.
8. Troy Murphy – C: He went to Notre Dame, a very white school, and now plays for Indiana, probably one of the whitest cities in all the NBA.
9. Luke Ridnour – PG: Would have been Jason Williams but he is too black.
10. Luke Walton – SF: I know he is not that great, but I needed another SF
11. Matt Carroll – SG: He can shoot and went to Notre Dame, check and check
12. Kevin Love – PF: He will be a good player in the NBA and should do white people all over the world proud very soon.

Honorable Mentions: Adam Morrison – SF: If it wasn’t for your dirty stache you would have gotten on the team. Kyle Korver – SG: My pure hatred for the man kept him off the team, and when you are more known for your looks then your basketball ability…yea you get the point. Brian Cardinal – PF. Hard-nose player, but just wasn’t enough room. Jason Williams – PG. Talks black, dresses black, acts black. Shane Battier – SF. He was dying to get on the team; I mean he does act very white. Raised proper, went to Country Day, does not get into any trouble, but after further review, both his parents are African American.

Our Lion Sleeps Tonight

I haven't the slightest clue as to what gives Detroit Lion fans hope each and every year. Prior to the season, my family and friends praise our revamped roster, speculating such things as "16 and 0" or "first playoff appearance since '99" or "1st super bowl ever". Each year a fresh new Simba is added to the Lion family, and with each addition, new hopes arise.



At least until Week 1.

Maybe Week 2 if they get an easy first game.

Charles Rogers! - bust. Mike Williams! - bust. Tatum Bell! - bust. Jon Kitna - ehhh, borderline bust. Going to my uncles house with the family on NFL Sunday begins in high spirits, chatting about the Lions' soon-to-be success. This usually lasts until about 5 minutes into the game when either the opposing team scores, or the Lions accumulate -42 yards of offense. Sometimes we make bets to see which one will happen first. Sadly, its more entertaining than the game.

Its sad that a day beginning with high hopes, laughter, and cheer regularly ends with supreme disappointment, explicit remarks in front of young children, and a change of the channel. Yet, each year we never expect this to happen again. What makes us expect a change? Over the passed 7 seasons, all under our fearless leader Matt Millen, the Lions are the proud owners of the NFL's worst win percentage (.277), have had zero winning seasons, zero playoff games, and never finished better than 3rd in the "phenomenal" NFC North.

I'm beginning to have 25% less things to worry about in Detroit Sports.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter

Finally. The Detroit Tigers have a winning record for the first time this season, capturing 17 of their last 22 contests and moving within five games of the first place Chicago White Sox. And while there is still much work to be done before this season is even considered a relative success, one thing is in fact for sure- Detroit is having fun winning. The best way to make your audience smile is to start smiling yourself, and closer Todd Jones echoed that sentiment during a recent rain delay at Comerica Park.