Gator Bait

I must get more Gatorade. It's not enough that Gatorade cups litter the benches of every professional MLB, NBA, and NFL team. It's not enough that Kevin Garnett sweats neon orange electrolytes in high definition during every sporting broadcast on ESPN or ABC. It's not enough that Gatorade even has their own elite group- The League of Champions- where such athletes at Garnett, Kevin Durant, Derek Jeter, and Payton Manning adorn the orange lightning symbol of hope proudly as if to say "Look a little out of breath there, tiger." More more more. I need more Gatorade.

I want the eye black under baseball and football players' eyes to take the form of the Gatorade lightning bolt. I want to have season tickets to watch my team play at Gatorade Field in Gatorade, NY. I want Gatorade to be a guest on the Ellen Degenerous show. I want to go to the diner and have the 2.99 breakfast special be eggs over easy, toast, and Gatorade. I want Sidney Crosby to score a goal while drinking a cup of Gatorade. I want J.K. Rowling's next book to tell the real truth about Harry Potter's lightning bolt scar. Magic, she says? Pshh...two words- Product placement. I want Gatorade to put out a press release refuting the age old saying "Lightning never strikes the same place twice."

I want the Gatorade shower every time someone answers a question right on Jeopardy. For the daily double, Trebek gets soaked. I want the State of the Union address to come to an abrupt halt when the President gets winded and a secret service member has to rush him a full cup of Gatorade Rain. Instead of Trident and Orbit, I want people to chew GatorGum. I want Lil Wayne's next single to be called "Gators Everywhere."

Do not fight it. Trust in the Gatorade. Use it like you would Robitussin or Tylenol or Aleeve. Headache? Gatorade. Upset stomach? Gatorade. Chest pain? Gatorade. Gatorade may very well take over the free world. It'll be integrated into our religions and help solve age old questions of faith and existence.

Except with a few modifications, of course.

Minister, does that holy water look a little different than usual?

White Power!- The NBA's Miracle Whip All-Stars

A while ago I was reading an article from the four-letter network on an All-Hispanic Baseball team which included such players as Alex Rodriguez, Albert Pujols, and Miguel Cabrera. This got me thinking about the one team all my friends had thought of compiling but no one had actually done before; The All-White NBA team. Going back to the old days when baseball was America’s past time, gas cost nineteen cents, and frankfurts only cost a nickel.

And I wonder how they would fair against today’s competition. Would they even stand a chance? Maybe so. Would they make the playoffs? Absolutely not! If there really was an All-White team assembled, I would assume a 12-70 record would be a fair assumption. They would have an average margin of loss of 19 points and would be last in every offensive category, but near the top in defense because who plays better sound defense basketball then white people?

Who would be on the team? Current players? Old players? Can foreign-born players play on an All-White team? What about light-skinned players that are debatable such as J-Kidd and Mike Bibby? There are many questions to sort out and I will answer them all right now.

The guidelines for the team are simple: The player must currently be on an NBA team’s roster, must be Caucasian, and must be born and raised in the United States. It was hard to just pick 12 people, because there were so many worthy advocates of the honor of being on the first ever All-White Squad, but without further ado, I give you the Miracle Whip All-Stars.

Hometown: Argyle, Iowa. What better place to support a team then a random small town in Iowa (one of the whitest states) where they probably have not seen an African American since 1924.

Stadium: Barry Manilow Arena. Simply put, white people love Barry Manilow and no one else, period. The main sponsor would be NASCAR.

Coach: Gregg Popovich. Lets face it, this team only consists of white people, they will need the best coaching possible, and no one is better than Pop.

Starting Lineup:
PG – Kirk Hinrich – he is clearly the best point guard, puts up solid numbers and attending Kansas put him way above Jason Williams in the Whiteness category
SG – Mike Dunleavy – He has finally come into his own after being traded to the Indiana Pacers, 19 ppg, 5 rpg and 4 apg will certain put him on the squad.
SF – Mike Miller – I almost didn’t put him on the team because an inside source (my cousin Shaun who went to UF at the same time) told me that he was one of the dumbest men alive and he left school early because they caught him with pot and he would have been suspended. White people are not dumb, but he can shoot, so I gave him a break.
PF – David Lee. Tough, physical player who gives it his all and never takes nights off (Rasheed please take note)
C – Chris Kaman. Almost did not make the team as well because he looks like a creature from another planet, but he is a great player who is ghostly white.

Reserves:
6. Scott Pollard – C: He sucks, I know, but look at his track record. He is always on winning teams for some odd reason.
7. Brian Scalabrine – PF: He single handedly beat the Pistons in Game 5 of the 2004 Eastern Conference Semi-Finals, which gives him the right to ride the pine on the All-White team.
8. Troy Murphy – C: He went to Notre Dame, a very white school, and now plays for Indiana, probably one of the whitest cities in all the NBA.
9. Luke Ridnour – PG: Would have been Jason Williams but he is too black.
10. Luke Walton – SF: I know he is not that great, but I needed another SF
11. Matt Carroll – SG: He can shoot and went to Notre Dame, check and check
12. Kevin Love – PF: He will be a good player in the NBA and should do white people all over the world proud very soon.

Honorable Mentions: Adam Morrison – SF: If it wasn’t for your dirty stache you would have gotten on the team. Kyle Korver – SG: My pure hatred for the man kept him off the team, and when you are more known for your looks then your basketball ability…yea you get the point. Brian Cardinal – PF. Hard-nose player, but just wasn’t enough room. Jason Williams – PG. Talks black, dresses black, acts black. Shane Battier – SF. He was dying to get on the team; I mean he does act very white. Raised proper, went to Country Day, does not get into any trouble, but after further review, both his parents are African American.