Gator Bait

I must get more Gatorade. It's not enough that Gatorade cups litter the benches of every professional MLB, NBA, and NFL team. It's not enough that Kevin Garnett sweats neon orange electrolytes in high definition during every sporting broadcast on ESPN or ABC. It's not enough that Gatorade even has their own elite group- The League of Champions- where such athletes at Garnett, Kevin Durant, Derek Jeter, and Payton Manning adorn the orange lightning symbol of hope proudly as if to say "Look a little out of breath there, tiger." More more more. I need more Gatorade.

I want the eye black under baseball and football players' eyes to take the form of the Gatorade lightning bolt. I want to have season tickets to watch my team play at Gatorade Field in Gatorade, NY. I want Gatorade to be a guest on the Ellen Degenerous show. I want to go to the diner and have the 2.99 breakfast special be eggs over easy, toast, and Gatorade. I want Sidney Crosby to score a goal while drinking a cup of Gatorade. I want J.K. Rowling's next book to tell the real truth about Harry Potter's lightning bolt scar. Magic, she says? Pshh...two words- Product placement. I want Gatorade to put out a press release refuting the age old saying "Lightning never strikes the same place twice."

I want the Gatorade shower every time someone answers a question right on Jeopardy. For the daily double, Trebek gets soaked. I want the State of the Union address to come to an abrupt halt when the President gets winded and a secret service member has to rush him a full cup of Gatorade Rain. Instead of Trident and Orbit, I want people to chew GatorGum. I want Lil Wayne's next single to be called "Gators Everywhere."

Do not fight it. Trust in the Gatorade. Use it like you would Robitussin or Tylenol or Aleeve. Headache? Gatorade. Upset stomach? Gatorade. Chest pain? Gatorade. Gatorade may very well take over the free world. It'll be integrated into our religions and help solve age old questions of faith and existence.

Except with a few modifications, of course.

Minister, does that holy water look a little different than usual?